Random Hetalia jokes
by Animedemon01
Summary: Some are dirtyish, nuff said.
1. Chapter 1

**What England says:**

France, your house is a disgrace!

You and I need it clean it!

Look at the clothing on the floor!

No clothing on the floor!

We need to clean it right now!

**What France hears:**

France blah blah blah blah!

You and I blah blah blah!

Blah blah blah blah on the floor!

No clothing blah blah blah blah!

Blah blah blah right now!

* * *

Young Canada one day asks France, "Dad, what's a penis?"

So France unzips his pants and says, "Well, Canada, this, is a penis, a perfect penis."

The next day Canada goes up to America, pulls down his pants and says, "This is a penis, a perfect one would be three inches shorter."

* * *

Germany is by the side of the road and Austria sees him and picks him up. Germany sees a paper bag in the car and asks what's in it.

"It's a bottle of wine." Says Austria. "I got it for my wife, Hungary."

"Good trade," Replies Germany.

* * *

England asks America, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"

A short time later America comes back with six cartons of milk.

England asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


	2. Chapter 2

Finland walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued.

Finland says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

A very drunk Sweden at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

* * *

England: Hey son, if you keep masturbating you're going to go blind.

America: Dad I'm over here.

* * *

America's 1st time having sex. He suddenly stopped and didn't move.

Mexico: "What are you doing?"

America: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.

* * *

Prussia: "Is it rape if it's your wife?"

Austria: "I don't think so."

Prussia: "What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hell!"

* * *

America's penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked him out.

* * *

Prussia: "I shall call it squishy, and he will be mine. He will be my squishy."

Hungary: "Let go of my boob."

* * *

France: Hey, Are you allowed in your Dad's room?

America: Yeah. why?

France: Good, can you grab my pants?


	3. Chapter 3

Austria came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much Hungary loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when Prussia or Germany arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

* * *

France is walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."

Great, thinks France, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "Give me a cock that touches the floor."

Whereupon both his legs fell off.

* * *

Russia visits the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling out his visa application. The immigration officer looks over his shoulder, and sees him trying to write "Twice a week" into the small space labeled "SEX".

The officer explains "No, no, no… that isn't what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Does it matter, da?" Russia replies.

* * *

Australia: hey, Iggy what is sex with 3 people called?

England: a threesome

Australia: what is sex with 2 people called?

England: a twosome.

Australia: now I know why France calls you _hand_some.

* * *

America boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


	4. Chapter 4

One day America and Australia are talking.

Australia: when I was at the bar yesterday, some bloke broke into my house.

America: dude, that's awful. Did he get anything?

Austalia: Yeah mate, he got a broken nose, a broken arm, a concussion and various cuts and bruises. New Zealand thought it was me coming home from the bar drunk.

* * *

England phones work and says "Sorry, can't come in today, I'm sick."

The boss says "How sick are you?"

"Well…" England replies "You be the judge – I'm in bed with my brother's."

* * *

Austria and America were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit!" said Austria, "As soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip Hungary's pants off!" "What's the rush?" America asked. "The Damn elastic in the legs is killing me." Austria replied.

* * *

England walks into a bar and sees France with a really big lighter. He asks France, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

France replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

So England walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

England walks over to France and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he."

France replies, "No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!"

* * *

One day in the forest, France, America and England were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while France returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, America came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as England. After to the 9th grape, he started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

France and America soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

America answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw England walking in with pinaples.


	5. Chapter 5

One day while England was just getting out of the shower America looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"

"Oh America that's my nerve and yours will be this big one of these days", replies England.

Anyway the next day while in school America really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."

"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.

Not able to hold it in America walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.

Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My god, America you have some nerve!"

America says, "That's nothing you should see my fathers."

* * *

America's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

America raised his hand and wisely responded; "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

* * *

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered America.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

America shook his head too; "You don't know my daddy."

* * *

One day, England asks America 'What vegetable makes you cry?'

America replies "a turnip".

"No America' says England, "Onions make you cry, not turnips"

"No dude" Says America, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"


	6. Chapter 6

Russia, America, and Canada are all sitting on a train. They decide to get into a contest, of whose country is the best off. In order to prove that her country is the best, America takes out a Hamburger, takes only a bite, then throws the rest out of the window. When the others question why he did that, he answers with: "Well, we have SO many of those, that I cannot possibly eat them all."

Russia goes next, taking out a bottle of vodka. He takes only a sip, then throwing the rest out of the window. When the others question his logic, he says: "Well, we have so many of those, our storage closets cannot hold any more."

After this, the train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. When the train exists the tunnel and light is in it once more, America is missing. When Russia questions it, Canada replies: "Well, we have SO many of those..."

* * *

Austria goes into the chemist and asks for some viagra.

'Have you got a prescription,' the chemist asks him.

'No, but will a picture of my wife do?' Austria says.

* * *

Japan walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 5000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 5000 yen, and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

Japan stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

* * *

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check Tickets.

As America approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

* * *

One day America, France and England were in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. France said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." England said, "That's nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went home and blew chunks." France and England asked America what was so bad about that and America said, "NO! You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

* * *

England is sitting at a bus stop, when a teenage boy with a multi-colored mohawk sits down.

England just stares at the boys hair, finally the boy says "What haven't you ever done anything wild or crazy"?

England replied "Yes, years ago I screwed a peacock and was just wondering if you're my son"?


	7. Chapter 7

America went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question.

"What's the deal with all these clocks?" America asked.

"Well," said God, "these clocks tell how much a person masturbates."

"Well, where's my clock?" asked America.

"It's in the office," replied God. "We use it as a fan."

* * *

England: Son why were you in a gay porno?

America: Why were you watching a gay porno, dad?

England: Um, no reason.

* * *

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... unless you're at France's house.

* * *

America: I stopped a girl from getting raped today.

Canada: Really!? How?

America: Self-control bro, self-control.

* * *

England: "Smells fresh, like a tropical island."

Russia: "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it, Da."

* * *

England looking for a way to increase attendance and participation of the world meetings. America suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the Allies base.


	8. Chapter 8

How do you start a Russian marathon?

Roll a bottle of vodka down a hill.

* * *

England was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

* * *

Officer France was patrolling the highway when he sees England tied up to a tree, crying. France stops and approaches England. "What's going on here?" he asks. England sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." France studied England for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

* * *

America: Hey dude, what does it mean if a woman is in my bed, calling my name and gasping for breath?

Russia: It means you clearly didn't hold the pillow down long enough, da.

* * *

Scotland and England lived next door to each other.

Scotland owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in England's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw England pick up the egg.

Scotland ran up to England and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

England disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally Scotland said, "Ireland, Wales and I normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

England agreed to this and so Scotland put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward England and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

England fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually England stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

Scotland smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!"


	9. Chapter 9

France, Italy and Mexico where on a budget airline flight. So budget in fact that the plane doesn't land at their destination, they must jump.

Two hours into the flight France tired of waiting, so he stuck out his hand to see where he was, "Were in France" he yelled, "I can feel the Eifel Tower" and he jumped home.

Three hours after that Italy stuck his hand out the window and said, "Yeah, We're in Rome, I touched the Coliseum!" and he exited the plane.

Another few hours later Mexico stuck his hand out the window and said, "At last, I must be in Mexico, because someone's just stole my watch"

* * *

Little America was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually he slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on him while he was napping, "Tell me, America, who created the universe?"

When America didn't stir, Canada, seated in the chair behind him, took a pin and jabbed him in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted America and the teacher said, "Very good" and America fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked America, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, America didn't even stir from his slumber. Once again, Canada came to the rescue and stuck him again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted America and the teacher said, "very good," and America fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked America a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Canada jabbed him with the pin. This time America jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

* * *

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

America told about his trip to Florida.

Canada said his dad got drunk all the time.

Russia put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, "Hell if I know but my sister Ukraine said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and England killed himself, da."

* * *

America is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.

America just happens to look over and see the other guys dick is huge.

Then he walks over and says, "Hey man i'm not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest dick I have ever seen!"

The big guy says, "Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover."

Then America passes out.

When he wakes up he says "What's your name again"

"Well it's Ben Rover" The big guy says!

"Oh what a relief I thought you said bend over."

* * *

Austria was showing off his new sports car to Hungary. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said Hungary.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. Hungary was thrown clear, but Austria was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, Hungary ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."


	10. Chapter 10

This is the last chapter. EVER! But don't worry, there is more funny in "England's Diary" coming soon! :)

* * *

Hungary took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed Hungary. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

* * *

What's the difference between Big Foot and sober Scotland?

Big Foot has been spotted several times.

* * *

England was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van.

He sees France and picks him up.

They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped England's pants and goes to town on him.

England slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van.

In a few minutes the same thing happens.

France said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that" England says " Do you want to try it?" France said "Yes, But don't hit me that hard"!

* * *

What is the difference between yogurt and Australia?

Yogurt has some culture.

* * *

England, France and America are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

England takes a bottle of wine with him, France takes an umbrella and America takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to England "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to France "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to America "Why have you got the car door?" and America replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

* * *

England is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon Wales lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

"Are you alright? What are you doing?" England asks but gets no answer at all.

Wales doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence England asks again, "Can I help you?"

Wales replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" England says.

"NO" Wales replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

* * *

One day England was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that England had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your brother Scotland."

So England agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in England's bank account and 44 million appeared in Scotland's account.

For his second wish, England wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside Scotland's house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so England replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."


End file.
